Friday, July 29, 2011


O.k. so I'm finding myself easily set off still.  I have got to let go of the tension and stop focusing on the little annoyances as if they were actually real problems.  It's easy to amplify things.

I'm greatful I have insurance.  

I'm grateful my department lets me park behined the building in our extra dept. spaces.  

I'm thankful I *can* still move around and am not stuck in a hospital.  

I'm greatful for my good friends and how helpful people are.  

I'm glad that yesterday when I thought I could go grocery shopping on my own some incredibly nice (and fairly attractive) guy literally saw me being frustrated and walked around the store with me pushing my cart so I could get a few things I needed.  That was incredibly nice.

I'm glad I can just stay home and rest this weekend.

I'm grateful that I can communicate with people effectivly over the internet and phone when I can't get to them.  I should skype with my parents and sister and show them my leg.

I'm grateful that I have really nice roommates, and especially Ben who has helped make my crutches more comfortable and brought something I left in the house, in a pants pocket in my room, out to me in the car yesterday.  Also for Jen and anyone else who has or will 
bring me water. . (I expect that will be one of the more frequent requests)

I'm grateful that the new dog seems to be working out well and that she's very sweet.  

I'm grateful that I got to see Captain America with Mike and Daniel.

I'm grateful that I got to spend tuesday night just relaxing with Eric and watching true blood after a nice meal cooked at my house.

I'm also grateful that it was easy and worked out well to watch stuff in the basement. . if my laptop and monitor can be carried down there.

I'm grateful that my body is strong and awesome and heals quickly.  They really did say 6 weeks. :)

I'm grateful that I met with a really nice and easy to talk to Dr. at Christy Clinic podiatry. 

I'm grateful for being able to play fun role playing games. . and that I have great people to play board games with. :)

I'm Grateful that I have a lunch that I can stay inside to eat. . avoiding bad weather and crutches.

I'm grateful that even though I know I didn't bring rain gear, it will all work out fine for my drive home.

I'm grateful that I get paid on next wed.  and that it's friday. . :)  and that this list is really making me smile.

I'm also grateful for all of my friends and family. . if you are reading this or even if you aren't. . Thank you Thank you thank you. . for. . really. . everything.  I'm sure you can think of things you've helped me with . . and I really appreciate it.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

foot update- just got back from the podiatrist

edit:  I should have stated here in the first place:  I was running about 10 or 20 feet on uneven ground in sandals and twisted my foot.   Or I was defending the house from a vampire who . . might have somehow gotten invited in.. and one flying kick to the chest for the vamp. .pushing him into a broken chair piece ended with him dusting and my foot twisting on the chair when he disappeared...

o.k. so, I got it wrapped in a splint instead of a cast, or a boot. A boot would be heavier, and the dr. said she would want me to not take it off anyway. the break is near the closer joint of the 5th metatarsal and was probably caused by tendons pulling it apart. Therefore, she doesn't want any movement on those tendons. I still can't get it wet, but it feels less claustrophobic and it could come off. . if there was an emergency and it could get rewrapped by non hospital people if necessary. I'm thinking of getting a roll along thing, but only if it's cheaper than 75 dollars. . I can rent one for that much per month. . and I'll probably only need it for a month. I do hate the crutches. . a lot already. I can drive, I am not in much pain, though I do have vicoden for just in case. I was told specifically to keep it elevated as much as possible and to keep icing it as much as possible as well. I was told it will probably heal in 6 weeks. I do not know if I'll be able to walk on it sooner than that, but maybe. also right now, absolutely no walking . . or other activity with the ankle. but everything else is fine as long as I keep it dry and weight off really.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Words from a witless lackey: Bloodsucking Ghostly Summer Giveaway!

Words from a witless lackey: Bloodsucking Ghostly Summer Giveaway!: "I’m having a Celebratory Giveaway! I’ve had a lot of good news lately, and a lot of good reviews and the latest was enough to just put me o..."

Monday, July 11, 2011

dream of ...dorm life?

real quick cause I'm got up too late.  I was hanging out with a bunch of undergrads at their apt. and their dorm.  I just met some of them.  I think the dorm might have been Allen, or at least it felt like "my old dorm".  I saw Britta there.  also it seemed attached to a grocery store that I was working very part time at.  I didn't really care about the job.  I remember looking for something and another customer wanted it also.  I had a friend/co-worker helping me find it but she had to go do something and would be right back.

I think he beginning part of the dream involved hanging out at someone's apt. where I met some of these new friends and something about meeting/talking about hot guys...

Saturday, July 9, 2011

"No Desire"-- I've been reading about the Buddha

So, I just read a passage in a book by Deepak Chopra, Buddha:  With Bonus Material, in which he tells the story of the Life of the Buddha and then his thoughts on some of his teachings.

The part I was just struck by is the positive idea of "no desire".  If you have everything you want, do you have any more desires?  If you are entirely fulfilled, then you want for nothing.  Want implies not having.  There are many implications to this, that I imagine a Buddhist would say boil down to:  Life is an illusion and thus the only useful implication is that the only thing worth having is something we already have and is not part of the Illusion.

My biggest problem with Buddhism is the same problem I had with the Matrix.  Once you recognize the illusion, why throw it away.  If you are dreaming and suddenly become lucid, why wake up.  Why not enjoy the dream to the fullest and only discard the parts that are unhelpful, you don't like, or do not teach you what you need.  I'm not sure the Illusion is bad just because it's not real.  --now at this point I'm also willing to say that maybe I just am not .. ready enough to fully accept that there is something better than the illusion.  In the Matrix, the Agents said that they first created a world in which everything was perfect but people rejected it.  I want to know why.  Maybe when things are too god to be true, people have trouble accepting it, and accepting their own responsibility for their bliss, but why is that an impossibility?  why is it only suffering or nothing?

anyway I've digressed a bunch.  The point is that I think there is a link between the idea that not having desires is a result of being fulfilled on a complete and true level, and the LOA (law of attraction) idea that to get what you want you must stop struggling against it and act/feel/believe that you already have it.  In other words, assume you already have everything you want.  If you suffer from not having it, if you are focused on the lack, that is where you will stay.

The point at which the LOA and Buddhism splits is at the idea that the having in life must still lead to suffering. I would argue that to truly live such that you are creating only positive non suffering existence one must not struggle.  One must not embrace the suffering, but let it go and embrace already having all things one might want.  having less that perfect situation does help one find what one does not want, or identify the "suffering" but the next step is to let it go.  If one lets go of the suffering, one does not have to let go of the bliss.  It is also a lot like identifying an insecurity.  If you identify it, and let it go, one does not have to loose the benefit of the defense mechanism.  One can loose the fear and still enjoy the benefit of the skill that the fear helped to teach.

Buddha would say that if you are relying on contrast to show you what you want and don't want, you are already loosing the "war" by participating.  I think that you can use the contrast to ever move closer to bliss.  Letting go off finding your security in your attachments or the worry of loosing things you may or may not have, allows you to find the bliss in everything, and carry your security and sense of wonder with you always, no matter what you may or may not have.  If you let go of the negative when you see it, but continue to be aware of contrasts and possible desires (cause as soon as you want it for real you can know you have it and no longer really desire it) then you can keep moving more and more toward your true self and what *really* makes you happy.

Also I see a small but very significant difference between "no desire" as a deadening of desire and "no desire" as an acceptance of desire instantly becoming something you "have" and thus satisfied as soon as it occurs to you.

Of course there is the saying that "having isn't a great a thing as wanting", which I think just means that you didn't get what you really wanted, or you didn't understand what you really wanted.    When you desire out of  "lack" and then get the thing. . you don't really get what you want, cause you desired a "not lacking" not the thing itself.  Getting the thing does not cure the lack, it just means you got the thing.  You still want to "not lack", and that you can take care of easily on your own without getting the thing.

I think that's my thoughts on the subject for now.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

nap -weird dream

So this felt a lot like being in an episode of Dr. Who.  I was with a group of people.  We'd been dealing with strange things, that I think, had to do with an alternate reality.  I think it mirrored our own and maybe was advanced in time.  Some kind of evil genius had started a kind of reaction in which reality was stretching and slicing into tings and people.  It was very much like parts of reality were moving broken mirrors.  The part of the dream I remember best is after we had found the source of the problem, having to do with some revenge plot, and maybe using this effect as a weapon and then it got out of control.  My friends and I were on a bus.  We did have someone like the Dr. Who we were following.  Also on the bus we met a woman who it turned out was one of our friend's girlfriends.  She was intending to propose to him when he got home.  She saw some of the crazy . . slicing in the bus, and when he got home and saw her again, it started happening there and hurting his family.  The breaks were getting worse and worse.  One of the older heads of the family had their head cut off.  And then I woke up.  Dad woke me up and my heart was racing. 

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

morphing dreams- magic, role playing and a party

I'm not sure if the wizards duel came first or the bar, but I think it was the bar.   I remember. .going there a 2nd time.  It was a dark and small bar, but people I knew.. mostly from larpting seemed to show up there.   I think I went there after going to the wizard's school.  I think there was a bluring of role playing and live action in the dream.  I was supposed to fight someone else at the school, but it had been. . a long time since I'd actually gone over spells and I couldn't remember which ones I knew.  I'd been given some kind of advice that a certain book would help me and so I went searching through the empty school for an old spell book. Eventually I found it and I remember looking for a good spell.  I know we got some spells off, and I remember having to tell an ST about my plans to get him before I cast the spell.  we ended up following each other on flying sort of toy railroad cars. and I don't remember who won or what happened next.  I remember going back to the bar and then going to someone's house where mike and this other woman  were running an old wod live action changeling game.  I think we had some new people and there was something going on in front of us,  and something behind.  I tried to use a power, but the book I had that described it was really confusing.  Also the woman storyteller left and we weren't sure if she was ever coming back.  Then a bunch of people showed up  for a party at that house.  The different parts of the dream started to blur together.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

super hero dream

well I will work on getting to the comp sooner.  I have a feeling I'll be remembering dreams a bit more in the near future.

anyway what I remember right now is that I was "playing" 2 or 3 different characters.  I think we were going through some kind of revamp/reboot and there were multiple groups/games.  The bluring between game and "live action" was really fluid.  I had a Batman, a female character that was sort of like catwoman. . but was kind of blind and had a grappling hook, and a 3rd I don't remember well. There was some kind of catastrophe and we had lost contact with Atlantis.  All of the heroes had gathered in one place to discuss what to do.  I sort of know there were other PCs and NPCs.  In the dream I remember being aware of what was happening out of character, but we were all trying to stay in character as much as possible.  I did not get the feeling we were playing abberant, or of any particular system.  there was no die rolling or character sheets in my dream.  I remember feeling very excited to see what would happen next and to see what decisions we were going to make about how the game would work (structure and plot/character ideas).  That's what I was thinking right before I woke up.